"I've been in a relationship for a while now and we've finished the honey moon stage, we're settling into a routine and we still haven't had a fight, or any drama at all... "
Isn't it wonderful? Bask in it. Let it be boring!
Speaking for myself, I like it. I mean, drama can be interesting and exciting at times... but it's also draining. It can take a toll on you, and on your relationship. If you see my previous post about important elements to a healthy relationship, you'll see that none of it involves drama.
Drama can come from a variety of things, the biggest being lack of trust. A couple that trusts one another can often find themselves in the 'boring' stage because there is nothing to fight about. There is complete faith that their partner is being loyal, has good intentions and isn't telling lies. Doesn't that sound good to you? Sounds pretty good to me.
There are ways to spice up a relationship that don't involve drama if things are getting really dull. Firstly, break the routine. Don't do the same thing more then twice? I know of a couple that have dinner on the couch in front of a movie every night. Some are completely content with this, however the excitement wears off pretty quickly. The best way to deal with this is to change it up. Go out for dinner, invite friends over for dinner, have dinner with your parents and so on. Speaking from personal experience, dates make things fun. It's a chance to dress up and do something formal and classy together; it's romantic. Another way to dodge the doldrums is to do things for each other, gifts, organizing events etc, make it a competition! A couple I know are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary this year so they are committing to attending/ organizing 10 events together, they had a themed party for friends and family, they marched in a charity march together, etc. Things like that can help to spice it up.
If things are getting so boring you can't stand it, maybe it's a sign to take a break. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Go on a holiday with the girls or the guys and take a break from the routine and your partner, it will clear your head and you will be able to source the boredom and establish a plan to deal with it.
There are so many elements involved in creating a 'good' relationship. 'Good' is actually a terrible word. I think the word is 'healthy'. Relationships have to be nurtured and grown, almost like a plant, then, when you get good at it, it can pretty much take care of itself, though not entirely.
Two halves make a whole
I often hear the words "he/ she completes me". I do not like that, at all.
Before you can even begin to start thinking about another human being, you have to make sure of yourself. You are a whole being all on your own and you can do incredible and awful things all on your own. If you find yourself in the mentality of not being 'complete' without another person, you will almost inevitably find yourself in a co-dependant relationship. Your entire happiness is sourced from this person, they dictate your choices, your emotions and you will also find yourself very jealous and possessive. Sometimes your partner may be acting the same way towards you and other times, they may not (I'm not sure which is worst). It's a horrible place to be with a person, especially if they choose to take advantage of you. I went through this personally; I was being persuaded to leave my country, my family and my life goals. It's difficult to figure it out at the time, but if someone is asking this of you, they can not feel as strongly for you as you do for them, simply because of their selfish behaviour, and not putting your happiness first.
In a co-dependant state of mind, you will also find it very difficult to be single. Relationships will often blur into one another: you won't be able to leave someone without the promise of a new someone right around the corner, therefore you will find yourself stuck in unhealthy relationships despite your knowledge of this. Being in unhealthy relationships can really affect you. It's draining and distracting. It's important to be independent so that you are able to recognise your unhappiness with a person, and potentially leave that person behind, with the capability of being happy on your own.
The important thing to remember is, you are a whole by yourself, and being in a healthy relationship means finding another whole person and sharing experiences, love and laughter.
Live in the now
Relationships are unpredictable. In the same way that life is unpredictable. Very very few things are not going to change in your life, especially when you're young and that has to be taken into account. Being in a relationship with someone means that your paths in life are crossing over and who knows when or if your paths are going to split. It is important to remember this when saying words like 'forever', or making promises that are impossible to keep. Take it one day at a time, be realistic, do not plan too far ahead and do not put pressure on each other. Not only will this help to nurture a better functioning relationship but it makes things more exciting as well. What if today was the last day you had with your partner? How would spend it? Think about that when you're planning your next date.
Web of lies
Honesty and trust can make or break. It can be forgotten how important this is. It is a huge umbrella covering many elements in a relationship. It must be respected. It curbs jealousy, it creates comfort and it sets the foundation for love and affection. When there is honesty and trust, you will feel supported and sure.
Not only do you need to be honest to and trust in your partner, but you need to be honest to and trust in yourself. Being 100% sure is also super important. It can often be about putting the effort in. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get and the further things will fall apart. If the spark is gone, if it does not feel right, if things are slipping, you must address it. That can mean, breaking things off or it could mean discussing it and working on ways to make it better. Again, the effort.
If you're beginning to feel unsure, look at the pros and cons, are the cons worth the pros. Yes, talk about it, work it out, fight. No, make a decision, make the right one and stick to it.
Do not get trapped. Reach out to someone if your relationship is not healthy and you are struggling to get away from it. Please believe in yourself and work on yourself before you work with someone else, you and your future partner will be better for it.
"My boyfriend recently moved to a different country to work and he has big opportunity to fulfill his dreams. He wants me to move with him when I have finished school. I've had plans to do something else my whole life but he says that if I don't go to live with him, then it's over."
This is an insanely hard position to be in. I bet you are completely torn in half. Unfortunately, it can feel like there is no right answer. Either way you lose something.
You need to ask yourself some serious questions. Take some time to really think about it, this is a huge decision.
The most important question is: Is he or she really worth it? An immediate reaction to this question is most likely a big fat yes... I'm sure this person cares about you a whole lot but you have to question the depth of these feelings... If he or she really cared about you, why would they be putting you in the position? You must be in a lot of pain trying to make the right decision, does he or she know this? It is selfish asking him or her to give up his new job and his new life. So how selfish is it to ask you to give up something you've been looking forward to and working towards your whole life?
At the end of the day, your happiness is on the line. I know how difficult it is to put your life and your happiness first. My whole life I've been making other people happy and doing my best to 'keep the peace'. Essentially I was a doormat. Take control of your destiny. Be strong and stay true to yourself.
I'm sorry I can't tell you what to do. I hope that whatever you choose, you are happy and those around you will see this and be happy too.
"My ex and I were together for a little while and it was amazing and our relationship was solid and then we went through some rough patches, and we made mistakes and people told us that we shouldn't be together but we can't help but go back to each other. We both don't want to let it go"
Firstly, it's always good to listen to other people's perspectives, they can see things that you can't sometimes and their advice can help you grow. Respect that other people care about you and they only want to protect you. Don't let it consume you though. If you feel a certain way about something then that is how you feel, you do not deserve to be made to feel like a bad person because you feel a certain way. An important thing to remember is that your happiness is important too. If things didn't work out between you and your partner because he or she was hurting you, or making you feel like dirt, then you have to listen to your feelings and put yourself first.
If you really feel like it's going to work then fight. Someone told me a story about how he met his wife. He said, I saw her working as a waitress at a diner and I asked her out but she said no. I went and ate dinner at that diner for a year and played my cards right until she finally said yes. If I hadn't of waited and forgiven and tried, chance after chance, I wouldn't be with the one person that I love most in this world right now...
I mean, you don't have to be a stalker about it! But if you believe that it's worth it, then I urge you to fight for the person that you love... There are so many things that could get in the way, that DO get in the way... But what if that person is the one you're meant to be with... How could you let that slip through your fingers? Don't let it...
"A girl at school has a secret vendetta... I don't know what I did to annoy her but she has made it very clear that she doesn't like me! I'm pretty sure she's been spreading rumors about me and I've received a few mean texts and messages online, nothing serious. I just feel a little freaked out whenever I see her around at school!"
High school isn't all it cracked up to be. People are judgmental, jealous and snarky. You will definitely experience it at every school you go to, so running away from your problems is not an option, and this is speaking from someone who moved from an all girls private school to a boys and girls public school. It's everywhere.
This case seems to be a rather minor one. If things are worse then this for you, I encourage to talk to someone about it. Just because it happens at every school does not make it okay. You don't deserve to be treated that way so talk to a teacher or your parents, in confidence if you're scared. Trust that they will make things better for you without it backfiring on you.
This is a problem. It's essentially bullying and the fact that you are too afraid to tell someone because you think things will only get worse makes it even more suckier then it already is. Minor cases are often manageable without serious help but if you are feeling threatened, unsafe and too afraid to check your phone and go to school? Talk to someone as soon as you can. This is important... Things often get pretty dark and scary.
Bullying is and will continue to be a huge problem in today's society, not just in high school. There are so many reason for people to feel the need to hurt someone in order to feel better about themselves, it's never an excuse, but try and look from their perspective, it might help you to figure out how to deal with the situation. Never fight back. Fighting back dirty, will only make you as bad as them. At the same time, however, don't let them get you down. They have no right to do that. If things get worse, like so bad that you can't handle it? Talk to someone that you can trust.
Remember, nobody has the right to influence the way you feel.
Goodluck everyone
-We are Golden
"My ex boy-friend won't leave me alone. It is definitely over between us but he can't accept it and won't stop trying to contact me..."
This actually rings a lot of bells. I know multiple similar cases, including my own, partly. Extreme cases can actually lead to police involvement so... Tread carefully. Love can make you do crazy things.
Minor cases, are probably much more common and easier to deal with. I'd say, if you feel comfortable enough, set up a coffee date (bring a friend for support, or have a code word you can text to someone so that they can come and rescue you, if you need to get out of there). Or if not, maybe a phone call? Let them know that you've moved on and that their constant attempts to contact you are starting to make you feel uncomfortable... Be firm but fair and give them a chance to get some closure. This, I feel, is important when getting over someone. The reason that they keep trying to get in touch is probably because they feel that they still have a chance with you and they will warp anything that you do that may suggest this. So, in order to avoid this, you have to make sure that you are super clear and honest but there is no need to be rude about it.
If this doesn't work... Things might get worse. I know of people who essentially stalk their ex partners and bombard their social media platforms and cell phones with messages that can be annoying or even hurtful. If this is you... Chill out dude. Take a look at my break-up post. I know you're going through a hard time right now but you have to respect your ex's feelings, wants and needs as well as your own. At the end of the day, you do care about his or her's happiness right? Sometimes that means leaving them alone. You can still be a part of each other's lives in the future, but until you are over your feelings, you need to take some space apart.
A way of dealing with this kind of behavior is telling your parents or a teacher. Things can get pretty serious if you don't address it and ultimately threaten your safety. Warning signs include, violent messages, threats, if you notice your ex following you around, if your ex is turning up at your house at 2am knocking on your window... And not in a romantic way. This type of thing is NOT OKAY. It's starting to take a scary turn and it's best to nip it in the bud before anything really serious happens. Telling someone shows your ex that you are serious. Usually this does the trick, but if not, you should seriously consider going to the police. I know this sounds a bit much, but if you are starting to feel unsafe and uncomfortable the majority of the time, you have to do something about it.
"I recently got out of a serious relationship... I know I'm not fully over my ex but I've been having a thing with this other guy. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have very strong feelings for me."
I know how hard it is to get over someone. It takes a long time and it can be frustrating as hell. Sometimes it seems like the easy way out to pick up a rebound. If I'm being a honest? A drunk make-out at a party with a random probably wouldn't hurt anyone... But anything further is probably not a good idea. There are many things you have to consider.
I know the last person you want to think about is your ex but clearly you still care about this person. Sometimes it can be a competition to see who can move on the fastest but you have to let go of that. Your feelings are so much more important. You can't lie to yourself about the fact that you still care. Their happiness is still important to you and chances are your ex is going to find out about this little rebound of yours and shit, that hurts... I've been there! You've probably been there! This person that you still feel very strongly for, has found someone else to drown you out, even though you know they still feel very strongly for you too... It's definitely something to think about.
The other person you want to think about is the rebound. You say you're "sure she or he doesn't have strong feelings for you"... Are you 100% sure about that? It's likely that they have stronger feelings than you think... Are you lying to them about your feelings for them? Do they know that you're not over your ex? If you're not being honest to them about that then the truth is that you're leading them on. If things progress, this rebound of yours will only fall for you harder and end up getting hurt. I know, that this is not your intention, which is why you need to be aware of what you are doing.
Lastly, the person you need to think about is you. It's okay to be alone, it's okay to feel sad about your break up and it's okay to miss your ex partner. You have to let yourself feel bad emotions to know just how good the good emotions are. I also think that accepting and embracing your feelings is a very healthy thing to do as they are nothing to be ashamed of. It also makes it a lot easier to let go of them when the time calls for it. I do realize that you have accepted that you are not over your feelings but in a sense, you are covering up the truth regardless, with how your acting with this other person. The thing is, seeing as you still care about your ex, and are obviously still thinking about him, this new guy is always going to be connected to your ex in your mind, so if you are serious about getting over your ex, it starts with you. Keeping triggers around will only make things take longer.
Take a look at my previous posts about breaking up with someone. You'll see that I talk a lot about how it's okay to be by yourself and look after yourself without the help of a romantic partner. You are whole by yourself and you can let yourself be detached.
Good luck everyone
- We are Golden
