Best Mistake

"My ex and I were together for a little while and it was amazing and our relationship was solid and then we went through some rough patches, and we made mistakes and people told us that we shouldn't be together but we can't help but go back to each other. We both don't want to let it go"

Firstly, it's always good to listen to other people's perspectives, they can see things that you can't sometimes and their advice can help you grow. Respect that other people care about you and they only want to protect you. Don't let it consume you though. If you feel a certain way about something then that is how you feel, you do not deserve to be made to feel like a bad person because you feel a certain way. An important thing to remember is that your happiness is important too. If things didn't work out between you and your partner because he or she was hurting you, or making you feel like dirt, then you have to listen to your feelings and put yourself first.

If you really feel like it's going to work then fight. Someone told me a story about how he met his wife. He said, I saw her working as a waitress at a diner and I asked her out but she said no. I went and ate dinner at that diner for a year and played my cards right until she finally said yes. If I hadn't of waited and forgiven and tried, chance after chance, I wouldn't be with the one person that I love most in this world right now...
I mean, you don't have to be a stalker about it! But if you believe that it's worth it, then I urge you to fight for the person that you love... There are so many things that could get in the way, that DO get in the way... But what if that person is the one you're meant to be with... How could you let that slip through your fingers? Don't let it...

Good luck everyone
-We are Golden

Shake it off

"A girl at school has a secret vendetta... I don't know what I did to annoy her but she has made it very clear that she doesn't like me! I'm pretty sure she's been spreading rumors about me and I've received a few mean texts and messages online, nothing serious. I just feel a little freaked out whenever I see her around at school!"

High school isn't all it cracked up to be. People are judgmental, jealous and snarky. You will definitely experience it at every school you go to, so running away from your problems is not an option, and this is speaking from someone who moved from an all girls private school to a boys and girls public school. It's everywhere.

This case seems to be a rather minor one. If things are worse then this for you, I encourage to talk to someone about it. Just because it happens at every school does not make it okay. You don't deserve to be treated that way so talk to a teacher or your parents, in confidence if you're scared. Trust that they will make things better for you without it backfiring on you.

This is a problem. It's essentially bullying and the fact that you are too afraid to tell someone because you think things will only get worse makes it even more suckier then it already is. Minor cases are often manageable without serious help but if you are feeling threatened, unsafe and too afraid to check your phone and go to school? Talk to someone as soon as you can. This is important... Things often get pretty dark and scary.

Bullying is and will continue to be a huge problem in today's society, not just in high school. There are so many reason for people to feel the need to hurt someone in order to feel better about themselves, it's never an excuse, but try and look from their perspective, it might help you to figure out how to deal with the situation. Never fight back. Fighting back dirty, will only make you as bad as them. At the same time, however, don't let them get you down. They have no right to do that. If things get worse, like so bad that you can't handle it? Talk to someone that you can trust.

Remember, nobody has the right to influence the way you feel.
Goodluck everyone
-We are Golden

Angler Fish

"My ex boy-friend won't leave me alone. It is definitely over between us but he can't accept it and won't stop trying to contact me..."

This actually rings a lot of bells. I know multiple similar cases, including my own, partly. Extreme cases can actually lead to police involvement so... Tread carefully. Love can make you do crazy things.

Minor cases, are probably much more common and easier to deal with. I'd say, if you feel comfortable enough, set up a coffee date (bring a friend for support, or have a code word you can text to someone so that they can come and rescue you, if you need to get out of there). Or if not, maybe a phone call? Let them know that you've moved on and that their constant attempts to contact you are starting to make you feel uncomfortable... Be firm but fair and give them a chance to get some closure. This, I feel, is important when getting over someone. The reason that they keep trying to get in touch is probably because they feel that they still have a chance with you and they will warp anything that you do that may suggest this. So, in order to avoid this, you have to make sure that you are super clear and honest but there is no need to be rude about it.

If this doesn't work... Things might get worse. I know of people who essentially stalk their ex partners and bombard their social media platforms and cell phones with messages that can be annoying or even hurtful. If this is you... Chill out dude. Take a look at my break-up post. I know you're going through a hard time right now but you have to respect your ex's feelings, wants and needs as well as your own. At the end of the day, you do care about his or her's happiness right? Sometimes that means leaving them alone. You can still be a part of each other's lives in the future, but until you are over your feelings, you need to take some space apart.

A way of dealing with this kind of behavior is telling your parents or a teacher. Things can get pretty serious if you don't address it and ultimately threaten your safety. Warning signs include, violent messages, threats, if you notice your ex following you around, if your ex is turning up at your house at 2am knocking on your window... And not in a romantic way. This type of thing is NOT OKAY. It's starting to take a scary turn and it's best to nip it in the bud before anything really serious happens. Telling someone shows your ex that you are serious. Usually this does the trick, but if not, you should seriously consider going to the police. I know this sounds a bit much, but if you are starting to feel unsafe and uncomfortable the majority of the time, you have to do something about it.

Good luck everyone
-We are Golden

Rebound Town

"I recently got out of a serious relationship... I know I'm not fully over my ex but I've been having a thing with this other guy. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have very strong feelings for me."

I know how hard it is to get over someone. It takes a long time and it can be frustrating as hell. Sometimes it seems like the easy way out to pick up a rebound. If I'm being a honest? A drunk make-out at a party with a random probably wouldn't hurt anyone... But anything further is probably not a good idea. There are many things you have to consider.

I know the last person you want to think about is your ex but clearly you still care about this person. Sometimes it can be a competition to see who can move on the fastest but you have to let go of that. Your feelings are so much more important. You can't lie to yourself about the fact that you still care. Their happiness is still important to you and chances are your ex is going to find out about this little rebound of yours and shit, that hurts... I've been there! You've probably been there! This person that you still feel very strongly for, has found someone else to drown you out, even though you know they still feel very strongly for you too... It's definitely something to think about.

The other person you want to think about is the rebound. You say you're "sure she or he doesn't have strong feelings for you"... Are you 100% sure about that? It's likely that they have stronger feelings than you think... Are you lying to them about your feelings for them? Do they know that you're not over your ex? If you're not being honest to them about that then the truth is that you're leading them on. If things progress, this rebound of yours will only fall for you harder and end up getting hurt. I know, that this is not your intention, which is why you need to be aware of what you are doing.

Lastly, the person you need to think about is you. It's okay to be alone, it's okay to feel sad about your break up and it's okay to miss your ex partner. You have to let yourself feel bad emotions to know just how good the good emotions are. I also think that accepting and embracing your feelings is a very healthy thing to do as they are nothing to be ashamed of. It also makes it a lot easier to let go of them when the time calls for it. I do realize that you have accepted that you are not over your feelings but in a sense, you are covering up the truth regardless, with how your acting with this other person. The thing is, seeing as you still care about your ex, and are obviously still thinking about him, this new guy is always going to be connected to your ex in your mind, so if you are serious about getting over your ex, it starts with you. Keeping triggers around will only make things take longer.

Take a look at my previous posts about breaking up with someone. You'll see that I talk a lot about how it's okay to be by yourself and look after yourself without the help of a romantic partner. You are whole by yourself and you can let yourself be detached.
Good luck everyone
- We are Golden

Teenage Tunnel Vision

People say that the youth is wasted on the young. They say that we will grow up and look back at this time and miss it terribly. Some say that their time in high school was the best time of their lives.
I say... That is a load of bullshit.

Quick disclaimer, this post is again, very generalized, and one perspective on things, so if you can relate... Awesome! If not? That's cool too, I hope you can respect my opinion as I do yours.

1. Listen to your elders
I'm not just talking about your parents, who despite their over-baring nature, do want the best for you.. Blah blah blah... But seriously, there are so many people who have more knowledge and wisdom then you do. I know how hard it is to admit that you are wrong, or listen to others who clearly know better then you do. However, you are making life so much easier for yourself but just biting the bullet and taking the advice because it can really help you to grow. You might even learn something useful, and even if you don't there is no harm in sitting down and listening to a different perspective. Open your mind and accept others.

2. Self-Worth
I've talked a lot about, never settling, putting your feelings first sometimes, protecting your glass heart and making good decisions for you. This all comes under the big umbrella of self worth. Too many people have trouble with their self-esteem and it sucks. When you can love yourself, you can open yourself to loving others and they can open themselves up to loving you too. I can't tell you how to love yourself... And whatever issues and problems you find yourself caught up in, it's important to honest about it. Honest to yourself and honest to others. That is probably the hardest part, so when you master that... You can really help yourself. Believe in yourself.

3. Breathe
Don't let yourself stress too much. Some stress can be helpful in motivating you but don't let it take over your life. I'm one of those people that can't cope with stress. It's a massive cycle and it has taken me to some bad places. The trick is to keep it controlled. Get into some good habits, and let them slowly drown out your bad ones. (Are you stressed?). Be kind to yourself.

4. Friendship
Keep your friends close. Treat them the way you want to be treated. Appreciate people that matter and let go of those who don't appreciate you. Make new friends as often as possible, don't leave anyone behind. Don't underestimate the power of friendship... Be as outgoing as you can manage and be yourself around everyone that you can. Don't let people bring you down, you're you without them and you can be you with them around too. The right people can help you to be a better you, the you, you were meant to be. The people that know you right to your bones, are the people you should care about. The people that love you for who you are. Let people in.

5. Tunnel Vision
Don't forget about the bigger picture. It get's better... Look around you, enjoy the small things. Like drinking coffee that has too much sugar in it, getting a kiss on the cheek, sitting down in the shower, walking around town at night... These little things can have to power to make you really happy if you let them. Also remember that, high school isn't forever... It's going to be over soon, try and enjoy yourself now, and always. There are always going to be things that impact you. How they impact you is your decision.

Goodluck everyone
-We are Golden

The Other Woman

"I kissed a boy with a girlfriend today. I like him a lot, and I think he likes me too..."

I bet you are struggling with where to turn with this little dilemma of yours. You are probably way too scared to tell your friends because you know that what you did was wrong... I'm not judging you, you are not a bad person, remember that. You just need to reassess what is actually going on.

We try to fool ourselves by saying the this kissable person is unhappy in their current relationship... That it is practically over anyway. This is no excuse for cheating. I cannot stress that enough! It is very important! You'll feel crap if you were the one to break up a relationship and even worse if they stay together. 

Another important point? You deserve better. Remember I told you not to settle? If you're going to be with someone, you deserve to be treated like royalty and understood and loved unconditionally... There should be nobody else in this equation except for you and them. You are more then just a bit on the side? Respect yourself, respect your body, first and foremost... Then you can work on respecting others and their bodies. 

You also have to think about if you were to get together, and kissable boy left his girlfriend for you... What is going to stop him from cheating on you, just like he cheated on his girlfriend. Make all the excuses you want, you're only kidding yourself. Your heart is glass... Take care of it. Don't do something so reckless that it is almost inevitable that you will get hurt. 

Goodluck everyone 

-We are Golden

Dating Doldrums

"How do I ask someone on a date?"

By the way... This is for guys AND girls... Yes, that's right... It is okay for a girl to ask someone out on a date. Deal with it...

Okay so firstly, find someone that you are comfortable talking to. There is nothing worse then spending a significant amount of time with someone, alone, that you have nothing in common with (awkward...). If you don't have much to talk about, then you're probably not going to have a very good date. Dates are for getting to know someone, and spending more time with them in a more then friend kind of way so find the right person for that.
Side note: If this person is someone you are already friends with and you're pretty sure they are going to say yes (see previous friend-zone posts), then your date is going to be so rad... Moving from a great friendship into something more can be so great. When there is already a friendship foundation there, you know you're going to feel comfortable which can only lead to a great date (or dates...?)

Next, is the hard part. Plucking up the courage to actually ask the person. The trick is to make it clear that it's a 'date', otherwise the message can be misconstrued and lead to misunderstandings and that isn't fun. Say something like "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date this weekend?".... Yup! It is that simple! The answer you are looking for is.... "Yes, I'd love to"... Or something along those lines. If it's a no, then laugh it off, congratulate yourself for trying and move on. No hard feelings.

It's best to have something planned before actually asking. Don't do the awkward, not to mention ANNOYING:
"So what do you want to do?"
"I don't mind, what do you want to do?"
"I don't mind..."
Once they have agreed you can say something like "Oh cool, I was thinking we could go for a walk on the beach?" or... "Great! We should go and see this great movie coming out?" Something like that... Something chilled but at least it's SOMETHING!

Lastly, just be yourself. If they don't love you for that then they are not worth your time!
Good luck everyone
- We are Golden

More than Friendly Feelings

"My feelings for F for friend boy have only gotten worse... I really don't know what to do now, he said he might like one of my friends but he isn't sure... I thought I had a chance but now I really don't know what to do."

Ahh... You're fighting it too hard. You've got to let it be. I always say that you have to embrace your emotions and never be ashamed or sorry about the way that you feel. It sounds like you are very unsure of your feelings. Part of that is probably because you're trying to resist so much... You need to sit down and be really honest about your feelings. Do you really have feelings for this person? Do you want it to go anywhere? Do you want this person to like you back? What do you want? This first step is figuring out your true feelings and wants and accepting them before you can either do something about it, or move on from it. It's up to you. It really is. I believe that there is no such thing as "I can't control myself". You, control you. If you want to let go of your more than friendly feelings for this person than you can, it is totally up to you. I'm not saying that it's easy, if you don't make an effort and if you are not productive about it then it won't just happen. You have to stop shutting yourself down for a start, before taking some serious steps towards moving on from your little (or not so little) crush... See my post about break-ups for some tips? This probably isn't as serious but you may find some valuable advice in letting go.

If you're sure that you DON'T want to let it go and your feelings are too serious to not do anything about, then maybe you should be honest? I know you don't want to ruin your friendship and by the looks of things he probably doesn't reciprocate your feelings (or maybe he does, but is too afraid to admit just like you? What? Nothing wrong with being a little optimistic). That doesn't mean that you can't be honest though. Start by saying, "I really don't want to ruin our friendship and if you don't feel the same way, that is totally okay and things do not have to be weird between us, I just wanted to be honest with you about the way that I feel." You really don't want to waste your time with what ifs... You would kick yourself knowing that you could of had a chance but you let your nerves get in the way? If he says he feels the same way, it could be the beginning of something awesome right? And if he doesn't then sure, things might be a bit awkward for a while but they will soon go back to normal and you will have the closure that you need! Win, win win!

Good luck everyone.
-We are golden

Never say never

"I'll never get over her. I will wait for her forever. I know she's the one. I can't believe I lost her... But I don't care, I'll get her back... We were meant to be together!"

Firstly... I'm sorry. Breaking up SUCKS. I totally get it... In fact, I'm right where you are right now. Probably not in the right mind set to give any advice... But I'm here for you.

STAGE 1:
We all know that pain demands to be felt. You need to start by being honest with yourself. Give yourself some time... Time to curl up and cry, eat comfort food (I suggest pasta and chocolate), or don't eat at all, get drunk, watch the notebook, wear his shirt, sleep with her sweater because it smells like her, go through photos, take twenty minute showers, listen to your songs, don't sleep, sleep all week... Anything that you want. Give yourself up to a week or less to really give in to your feelings, embrace them. The most important thing to do during this grieving period is to AVOID YOUR PERSON AT ALL COSTS. Do not text, do not call, avoid this person in every way that you can. This is extra-ordinarily difficult of course but that's what you have your friends for, be honest with yourself and with them during this time. It is very important that you do this. Don't think of it as 'getting over your person' or even giving them time to 'get over you', think of it a way to let the dust settle. When this week is over, there is a still a possibility that things can be fixed.... Or not. (side note: rebounds during this time is BAD idea)

STAGE 2:
Once you've given yourself this week, it's time to be productive. Remind yourself every morning that you are a good person, that you can be whole by yourself and that you were happy before meeting this person and you can continue to be happy. After a week it's probably best to have a conversation with your person, get some closure. Stay calm, don't get angry, have an open mind. Listen to each other and explain. This is the make or break part. If things look like they could get better, then keep on fighting. If not, it's time to let go... Remember, don't drag it out. Don't kid yourselves and get back together because it's what feels normal. If it's unhealthy then you have to open your eyes and see it, it's probably really obvious to everyone else. Don't let your feelings blind you. You have to rip the knife out so you can heal, if you take it out slowly, it's only going to take longer. This is one of the most difficult stages. It's where you have to stop making excuses and really look at moving forward as your own person. (I'm guessing this is where you are). It's easy to make vows when you are heart broken. I know it's hard... Talk to someone you trust about it.. Nothing they say will comfort you, but having that person who knows you, really knows the bones of YOU, secretly you know they understand and that is comforting whether you want to admit or not.

STAGE 3:
So... You've had your time to feel upset, you're now starting to accept that things are over. The okay days are starting to become more frequent now and you're settling back into a new routine. It's time to move forward. It's common to start comparing others to your previous partner when heading back onto the dating scene. Make light of this situation by laughing at yourself, enjoy feeling clumsy as you meet new people and talk about your ex, they will see the funny side too, possibly even relate. Nothing serious will come from these beginner people but that's okay, you probably aren't ready anyway. It gets easier. There is always a light. Just remember that you are whole on your own. You don't need a person to make you feel loved. Love starts with you.

I know that it isn't as simple as what I just described, this is a rough guide. Something to help you see that you're not alone... That it DOES get better whether you're in the place to believe that or not, I don't know. I hope that you come to see it soon though. I hope you can share that smile with someone who truly deserves it and I hope that the smiles shared with you are everything that you hoped for.

Good luck everyone
-We are Golden

Ps: On a personal note, I did just get out of a serious relationship. My first serious relationship... So serious that I lost sight of who I was without him. When we broke up he gave his half on the necklace that I bought back to me. I don't need someone to complete me. Neither do you...

Falling for a Friend?

"I think I'm falling for my friend... Capital F for friend, I might add... We've been friends for years... What do I do? I know he will never feel the same way"

You know when you have that friend and they've always sort of been around but then there's a moment when you are looking at them and out of nowhere you get this little spark in the pit of your stomach and it just grows and grows until you can't deny it and it fills up your entire being? You feel ridiculous lying in bed at night, thinking about him and how suddenly everything is different. You've been bitten and you're in trouble.

Falling for a guy that you have previously friend zoned is... Not fun... I do realize that there are theories that boys never REALLY friend-zone their friends, however, due to personal experience, I disagree. I'm not saying that you don't have a chance with this person... They may be experiencing the same feelings as you or just haven't quite had that electric moment of realizing yet... Or? They might never experience it.

If he's showing really obvious signs? (Let's face it, guys aren't all that subtle) Then maybe you should be honest with him. It might be the start of something magical?

But if not.. Then the trick is not to let yourself fall too hard. Take care of you. Your heart is delicate and sometimes you have to do the right thing by you even if that means putting yourself first. Take some time away from him and this doesn't completely ignoring the guy, it mean maybe passing on your weekly video games night this week because you have some homework and it means maybe, cutting that phone call short and not texting back right away... This doesn't have to go on forever... Just until you can let your feelings die down a bit.

The next hurdle is the jealousy, he probably has other friends that are girls, or even a crush, or WORSE.... A girlfriend, yikes... The easiest to deal with would probably the other friends that are girls... Don't deny that pang of the evil green monster in your stomach, let yourself feel it... It's not going to go away quicker if you try and suppress it, like I said, don't kid yourself. There really is no cure for jealousy, it's a sign that you really care about this person. Maybe even a sign that you should open up and be honest with this guy? I know you are risking your friendship but it could lead to something really incredible.

Girlfriends and crushes are more tricky. Especially when friend boy is having trouble with this person and all you can think about is how much better you would be... It's so much harder when you are close friends and have been for a while because you know them so much better and know exactly what they like and how to make them happy... Much happier then anyone else could. Again, jealousy is something that you can't turn off but you have to find ways to deal with it, especially if you want to continue being friends. If another girl is involved then it probably isn't best to disclose your feelings but instead offer as much support as you can manage, don't sabotage. You do care about his happiness after all?

I know it's difficult and scary but sometimes it's just better to tell him how you feel. It could be the start of something great!

Good luck
-We are golden

Dating Advice from the Heart Broken

Relationships in high school are SUCH a waste of time. How many people do you know are "high school sweet hearts"? I mean let's be really honest about that for a second. Either you break up or you get married. There are some exceptions... Sure and that's... Awesome. But for the rest of us, normal people...?

I'm feeling cynical today, I guess... These past few days I have come to realize how attached I am to people... How stupid that is and how I am just setting myself up for pain and heart-ache. Now I'm not saying that just because you have terrible luck with the opposite or same sex depending on your persuasion, is a reason to never love again or repress/hide your feelings. I'm just advising you to be realistic. Don't fall in love.
Have best friends. Someone you can stay up to 2 in the morning with. Someone who can sit with your parents and have a conversation with them about something other then the weather. Someone who you can break the rules with. If you guys wanna make-out too then that's cool. Just be careful of yourself, you're heart can be as fragile as glass and you can lie about how it doesn't hurt all you like, you're not fooling me, and you're not fooling yourself. Sadness can be self-inflicted, don't let yourself. Don't be afraid to be selfish about it. You don't need to feel bad about your feelings. Put yourself first, if someone is treating you like crap, then get out of there. Take a good hard look at your self esteem and don't settle. Don't you dare settle because you deserve the best and you deserve happiness. Sadness can be inflicted, don't let others.

I'm a big believer in romance, I want huge ridiculous gestures and someone to look at me the way Leonardo Di Caprio looks at Claire Danes. Blah Blah Blah... I just have to accept that, that doesn't really exist in high school... Not for people like me. But that's okay... It's not something to dwell on or be upset about. It's something to look forward to. I've met a few lovely boys in my time at high school, gorgeous ones who I felt deeply for... Some I left and that broke my heart and some left me and that broke my heart too. Some were harder to get over then others. I've made mistakes, I've done stupid things, I've hurt people I haven't meant to but that is in the past now. I've apologized and I'm working towards not making those mistakes again and sharing my experiences so that others don't make the same mistakes as me. You are more likely to learn from doing something wrong then doing something right.

Never belittle yourself. You're not small, you're beautiful.
Good luck everyone
-We are golden